Official Newspaper of Eddy County since 1883
Official Newspaper of Eddy County since 1883
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A recent news development has left some folks scandalized and others envious. (And still others grumbling, “I don’t need no stinking news developments! I’m too busy getting ready to vote!”) I’m speaking of the revelation that former New England Patriots coaching legend Bill Belichick (age 72) is dating 24-year-old beauty pageant contestant Jordon Hudson. (Please hold your fainting spells or “Attaboy!” outbursts until later.) This (and similar situations, including reports that 49-year-old L...
Despite my best preventive measures, I have spent decades enduring the "stillgottas." If you are unfamiliar with the medical terminology, it's the why-can't-it-be-terminal-and-give-me-the-sweet-release-of-death condition characterized by perpetually gasping, "I've still gotta grab item A and finish project B and clean item C and research the efficacy of an Epi-Pen after absent-mindedly ingesting mystery food D and ..." Some guys have a fabulous career releasing their inner drag queen, but all I...
So, now the fuzzy purple critter isn’t the only “grimace” I’ll associate with the McDonald’s chain. “I’m lovin’ it” was assuredly not my gut-level reaction when I read of a 10-year corporate plan to phase out self-serving soda machines in all the restaurants and require customers to request (grovel for) refills at the counter. Consumers should have suspected beverage stations were endangered when one of last year’s Happy Meals contained the proverb “Anything worth doing is worth dragging out fo...
Maybe it’s a good thing that my teenage dream of becoming a TV programmer never materialized. Analysts have regarded the over-the-air free TV networks as dinosaurs for years, but now even the cable channels and streaming services are watching over their shoulders for asteroids. Oh, the new Golden Age was nice while it lasted – with companies trumpeting ambitious 5-year plans for special-effects-heavy prestige projects, offering new life to niche programs dumped by the traditional networks and...
Who needs forensics and gunfire? My wife and I have been catching up on episodes of “The Mysteries of Laura,” the 2014-2016 NBC series starring Debra Messing. Forget murders and chases. The real reason the show resonates with me is because as Laura Diamond juggles the duties of a single mother and police detective, she’s understandably a slob with her car. Yes, my poor Altima gets woefully neglected inside and out. It’s a magnet for the abundant tree sap in my yard and the interior is home to...
"Time Enough at Last." The new year reminds me of that classic "Twilight Zone" episode starring Burgess Meredith as a put-upon bookworm. (No, he wasn't reading on the wing of an airplane! Get your episodes straight, with "The Twilight Zone Companion," for Pete's sake!) True bibliophiles are all the same. Whether our preference is studying the rise and fall of empires or the rise and fall of heaving bosoms, we eagerly anticipate how many volumes we can absorb in the pristine, wide-open next 12...
I won't hazard a guess as to whether it achieves immortality like "grassy knoll" or "hanging chads," but surely the phrase "bomb cyclone storm" will remain in the public consciousness of those who endured its cruelties. We'll laugh about this someday, but right now an awful lot of Americans have a "single digit" they'd like to give right back to Mother Nature. And we're not exactly chummy with 2022, which on its way out is taunting us with, "Bet now you wish you had bought the extended...
It has been years since my family last dealt with the "pictures with Santa" pageantry, but Saint Nick impersonators remain an integral part of Christmas for Americans. Parents feel compelled to honor the tradition of dumping tiny tots in Santa's lap, even if they're not emotionally ready for the experience. I wish I hadn't sold my Child Psychology textbook back to the college bookstore, or I would explain why kids who think nothing of sticking a fork in an electrical outlet or inviting a rabid...
"Anxious parents are no longer allowing their kids to go to slumber parties," announced a blurb in the August 16 "New York Post." Slumber parties are not usually one of the top subjects on my mind in the morning ("Got my keys, got my snack, got my wallet, got a great 'is your refrigerator running?' joke to share..."), so I was surprised to learn that 12.3 million parents participate in the #NoSleepovers movement online. (Boy, I'm old. I remember when Arte Johnson popularized "Blow in my ear and...
Wow! Will this really be my 19th Father's Day as a father? My biggest regret is that I've had to learn so much the hard way. To make life easier for other fathers and prospective fathers, I'm sharing reader-submitted pearls of wisdom: Resign yourself to the fact that the mother of your progeny will probably never admit that you deserved an epidural for the paper cut you suffered from the Lamaze brochure. Remember that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you available to encounter the next...
Hollywood makes iconic catch phrases seem easy. Whether it’s McGarrett’s “Book ‘em, Danno” or Vizzini’s “Inconceivable!” in “The Princess Bride,” we take them for granted. But there is a dismaying amount of trial and error behind the relative handful of utterances that fully capture the public consciousness. For example, the magisterial “Make it so,” of Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the “Star Trek” universe. Early versions of Picard’s command included “That’s what SHE said,” “Pretty please with a...
A tiny portion of my "day job" at a farm-and-home cooperative involves writing radio commercials and on-hold phone messages. More often than I like to admit, I get stuck for a closing zinger and settle for trite sentiments, such as "Let our friendly staff help make this your best hunting season/New Year/spring ever!!" (Note to self: next spring, remember to try something dignified like "Please, please make your money quit hibernating!") But I really do hope my readers enjoy the best spring...
When my high school classmates obtained a driver’s license, it was not uncommon to hear a teacher opine, “Oh, they must be having a sale at Sears.” Judging by the deplorable examples of road etiquette I’ve witnessed, maybe the teachers weren’t so far off about the low bar set by testers. I have pontificated about slow drivers, speed demons and motorists who think turn signals are the Mark of the Beast. But today I’d like to vent about intersections. Instructions about right-of-way are readily...
Early on the morning of September 11, 2001, I was a newly minted warehouse supervisor for a farmers cooperative. I can remember almost exactly where a customer’s truck was parked when I overheard him telling one of my co-workers something or another about a plane crash up north. A few minutes later, I received an urgent (landline) phone call from my wife. She had been watching NBC’s “Today” show and saw breaking coverage of the suicide attacks on the Twin Towers (and other targets). In my firs...
According to CNN, pandemic fears and enhanced unemployment benefits have left the nation facing a serious shortage of qualified school bus drivers. The problem is acute, despite districts implementing recruitment campaigns, offering sign-up bonuses, and even fudging on the standards. ("Question one. Fill in the blank: The wheels on the bus go round and..." "Wait, wait. Don't tell me. I got this. Round and ... covered with sprinkles!") I hope the shortage will make society stop taking bus...
With the school year ending and the economy slowly reopening, let’s reminisce about the illustrious history of summer jobs. I’m sure many of you worked your way through high school and college by flipping burgers, mowing lawns, performing lifeguard duties, working on an assembly line (I worked three summers in a cosmetics factory), or clerking in a retail store. Or maybe you considered yourself part of show business, while being paid to stand in front of an establishment twirling a sign. (I mus...
Tree huggers, are you contemplating a Zoom meeting with Mr. Elm instead? Yes, this is dedicated to the millions of you who share my susceptibility to seasonal allergies. (Seasonal allergies? Yes, "When is allergy season?" is a popular Google question. I don't mean to be ungrateful for fleeting symptom interruptions around Christmas; but that question is as pollyannaish as asking "When is double-chin season?" or "When is robocall season?") Hopefully, this column will also have a little something...
Yes, a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since February 20, 1971 – but it’s still hard to believe that Granny Tyree (my father’s mother) has been gone for 50 years. Oh, I shouldn’t have been caught off-guard. All the joys, sorrows, friendships, jobs, technological innovations and cultural upheavals of five decades leave this former 10-year-old with only hit-and-miss memories of Sarah Elizabeth Gipson Tyree (a.k.a. “Sallie Bet”). Perhaps I’ll consult my older cousins when I write my memo...
Whether you read these words before or after Presidents’ Day 2021, be advised that I’m already thinking ahead to Presidents’ Day 2071. If you get your jollies reading about the only bachelor president or the first bathtub in the White House, just think how many more milestones and tidbits of trivia will have built up over the next 50 years! In the next five decades, we may very well see the first female president, the first Hispanic president, the first Asian-American president, the first openl...
There’s no middle ground with middle names. You either love them or hate them. Or, if you’re a politician, you treat them however the latest opinion poll indicates. (“It’s way past time this nation took the bold bipartisan move of giving Harry S. Truman an actual posthumous middle name – not for our own benefit, but FOR THE CHILDREN.”) Middle names come from various sources. My son and I both carry on my late father’s middle name of Lewis. My brother was named for the surgeon who delivered him...
It has been a bittersweet experience seeing the mailbox flooded with college recruiting brochures addressed to my son Gideon. Bittersweet because, speaking as a science fiction fan, each “road not taken” represents an alternate timeline involving different friends, different instructors, a different spouse, a different career path, a different city, a different strategy for administrators to hound grads for alumni donations. (“Remember that colorful gluten-free parking sticker we gener...
In case you (expletives deleted) missed the marketing campaign, on January 5 the noble public servants at Netflix will launch a six-episode series, "History of Swear Words," hosted by actor Nicholas Cage. The "proudly profane" program will be supplemented with historians, cognitive scientists, lexicographers and etymology experts. (The latter should feel right at home, after years of hearing, "When are you going to quit &^%$ and get a &^%$ REAL job?") I find myself with mixed emotions as I navig...
We all know Santa Claus as a “right jolly old elf,” but the man carries a well-stocked bag of regrets. He recently sat down with me to list some of the ways he wished his life had gone differently. “I don’t regret the Island of Misfit Toys real estate venture per se, but I sort of hate that we used an old atomic testing site. I’m cool with a water pistol shooting jelly – but not RADIOACTIVE jelly.” “I wish I had found a better business manager to protect my trademark. My FRIENDS have good busin...
It may be the sort of birthday where someone shouts, “50 candles blazing on the cake? Are you crazy? Why don’t we just fill a pinata with cow methane while we’re at it???” I’m speaking of the 50th anniversary of the Environmental Protection Agency. President Richard Nixon proposed the independent executive agency on July 9, 1970 (fun fact: “EPA” was the only term on that particular Nixon tape with fewer than FOUR letters) and it began operation on December 2, 1970. (This was mere weeks before...
Did you realize that commercial radio got its start on November 2, 1920 when legendary KDKA in Pittsburgh broadcast the results of the Harding-Cox presidential race? Almost overnight, radio transitioned from domination by ham operators to an actual business with schedules, programming and sponsors. Now the world has experienced an entire CENTURY peppered with FDR’s “Fireside Chats,” serialized “Captain Midnight” adventures, the original soap operas, traffic and weather reports, Top 40 countdown...
