Hope sometimes turns up in unlikely places

Back in November, I made two commitments to Eddy County Community Cares. The first was to help with the planning and decoration of a holiday tree in New Rockford’s Gazebo Park. If you missed it, ECCC decorated one of the deciduous trees on the east side of the park. It was one of those “out of the box” kind of trees— decorated in purple and teal and non-traditional decor that included paper globes and hand painted birds. That’s right, we cut out sixteen 12-inch birds an

These birds began as a symbol of hope. In just a few months, when the juncos, waxwings, and robins return, most of us will feel a little bit of hope for the days ahead. They cause us to take pause, to look up, even when we’re feeling down. Birds can soothe us, excite us or guide us. They represent a sense of freedom that we, as terrestrial mammals, could only dream of.

Then we took these unique cutout birds, threaded them with tie-wire and hung them up in the branches with the expectation that those birds to stay in the tree through the cold and blustery winter. But would you believe it? Some of them actually did! The last time I went by, I counted eight birds still in the branches.

I can hear you asking, what about the other eight birds, huh Rachel? Well friends, this is where things get interesting. Along with the commitment of decorating the tree, I accepted some of the responsibility in taking care of it. So every so often, I stopped by the tree to see if any birds had fallen down. Only once did I have to pick up one of the birds. Sure other birds had fallen, but it turned out that other people had extended a hand by picking up the birds and hanging them back on the tree. Practical strangers went out into the cold, lifted a symbol of hope up off the ground and placed it where it could be seen. If that isn’t hope in motion, then I don’t know what is.

The other commitment I made back in November to ECCC, was to write February’s article. I agreed to this for two reasons. One, because I am a writer and a newspaper article should be easy peasy. Right? Ha.

The second reason I agreed is actually much more personal and has to do with why I attended the ECCC meeting in the first place. You see, this February marks twenty-one-years since I made attempts on my own life. I was young, trapped, hopeless and completely misunderstood. It took me a long time to crawl out of that spot and for a long time to come, I thought I was in the clear. I thought I had left all that bad stuff in my past.

Then late in 2015, I began suffering chronic muscle weakness and pain. Within a year, I was struggling to do just about anything including housekeeping, driving, grocery shopping, eating, and even writing. Sometimes walking was more than I could handle. Soon, I was unable to work. I began feeling exactly as I did before: trapped, hopeless and misunderstood. On top of all that, I also had an overwhelming sense of failure. Even though I didn’t want them, suicidal thoughts filled my mind. Everyday I held on, hoping they would go away. When they didn’t, it was clear that I needed help.

The first step was to schedule an appointment with a mental health professional to discuss changing to my medication. The other thing I did was reach out to my closest friends and talk to them about how I was feeling. They were there for me, in wonderful ways, but it was soon apparent for everyone involved— talking about suicide is difficult stuff. That is the reason why I went to the meeting and it is why I am writing this article.

I am now in a better spot. I have medicines and techniques to ease my chronic pain. My mental health has improved tremendously with the right treatments and support. But feeling better doesn’t mean I don’t have to talk about the difficult stuff anymore, in fact it gives me a reason to become more comfortable talking on topics of suicide. For now, I want you (yes you!) to know that when it comes down to it, talking with others about our sorrows, doubts and fears is rarely comfortable, but it is always, always worth it.

It is the purpose of Eddy County Community Cares to foster mental health, suicide prevention and awareness, and provide support for those who have been impacted by suicide. If you’d like to get involved with Eddy County Community Cares please consider attending a meeting.  We meet on the second Wednesday of each month at the Eddy- New Rockford Library.  You can also join Eddy County Community Cares group on Facebook.  

If you are having thoughts of suicide please reach out:

1.800.273.TALK (8255)

1.800.SUICIDE  (784-2433)

Text: 741741 or 211