Before heaven comes the final exam

Ole Barfson went to ask St. Peter about newspaper obituaries that claimed that the loved one is now in heaven rejoicing with family and friends. Ole wanted to know why these people were bypassing the great judgement.

St. Peter didn’t give Ole much of an answer. But while Ole was there, he pilfered one of the tests we must take to claim a mansion in the great beyond. Here are some sample questions:

1. John the Baptist was a great dresser and gourmet cook. What was his favorite meal? (A) Lutefisk wrapped in lefse, (B) Kluski and kielbasa, (C) Locusts soaked in honey, (D) Steak smothered with onions.

2. Jonah was surfing on what lake when he was grabbed by the whale? (A) Sakakawea, (B) Baldhill Dam, (C) Caspian Sea, (D) None of the above.

3. After Jesus suggested to the Pharisees that the person with no sin should cast the first stone, what did he write on the ground? (A) They will never get a jury, (B) These guys are really mean, (C) The Gentiles look better every day, (D) Nobody knows what he wrote.

4. When Noah stumbled off the Ark, why did he plant grapes to get a little wine? (A) He had just been locked up for 40 days with his family, (B) He was fed up with goat milk, (C) He had run out of valium 27 days into the trip, (D) The reason was not recorded but there was no collusion.

5.The Pharisees criticized Jesus and disciples for abusing the Sabbath by: (A) Eating wheat in the field, (B) Playing baseball, (C) Watching the Vikings on TV, (D) Smoking behind the synagogue.

6.Who was Jehoshaphat? (A) King of Israel for a while, (B) The Pharaoh’s dog, (C) The prettiest of Solomon‘s 700 concubines, (D) Joseph’s brother.

7. What is the real story about the Tower of Babel? (A) It solved the problem of a common language, (B) The humans were getting out of hand, (C) The contractors were charged with fraud, (D) It came back as Washington D.C.

8. Who complained to Balaam about his treatment of animals? (A) The Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, (B) The High Priest, (C) His donkey, (D) St. Peter.

9. After converting Nin-eveh, what warning sign did Jonah put a on the edge of the lake? (A) “Swimmers must have a 3-day air tank,” (B) “Stay in the shallow water,” (C) “Don’t feed the whales,” (D) No sign -he just sulked under a gourd.

10. Why did God create human beings? (A) The dog couldn’t play chess, (B) He thought they would be good companions, (C) The dinosaurs didn’t pan out, (D) God is pondering this very question today.

11. The problem with manna was: (A) It had a short shelf life, (B) It smelled like a sewage lagoon, (C) It melted in refrigerators, (D) It was only available in the desert.

12. In the Book of Genesis, Nimrod was: (A) King Solomon’s dog, (B) Inventor of the round wheel, (C) The first explorer to go to Alaska, (D) A mighty hunter.

13. The mother of James and John told Jesus: (A) The boys deserved honored positions, (B) It would be good politics to appoint them, (C) They were better administrators than fishermen, (D) They needed a little discipline.

14. Solomon was most widely known for: (A) Being a playboy, (B) Being very strong, (C) His spacious porch, (D) Being full of wisdom.

Passing requires at least 10 correct questions so don’t put your wings on yet. Remedial classes will be held.