Early intervention, compassion and kindness are keys to bullying prevention

Last week, we featured a story by New Rockford-Sheyenne (NR-S) sixth grader Lora Wobbema. Wobbema was so inspired by the motivations of The Kindness Club that she wanted to write about the steps students are taking to stand up to bullying in our community.

When it comes to bullying prevention, these students are on the right track. They are encouraging positive, proactive solutions, and the message is for all students, not just the ones labeled the "bullies" or "victims."

 Early, positive intervention is effective because bullies can be hard to pick out at first. Bullies can be male or female, rich or poor. They might be young or old. They can be at school, at work, or even in your own neighborhood.

Bullies are not defined by who they are, but in how they behave. We think of bullies who engage in physical aggression. They hit, kick and trip. They might flick things, shove or pull hair. They demand that we meet them after school. Just as familiar is a bully's use of verbal aggression, in which they repeatedly do or say things that are hurtful just to get a rise out of someone. They might make threats to instill fear and anxiety. Bullies can also display relational aggression, where they act like a friend, but consistently spread rumors, break trust or deliver passive aggressive insults.

So how do we respond to bullies? Many of us remember that old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." For many this little poem served as a coping mechanism for dealing with bullies and meanies. It came in handy because one never knew when someone would say or do something hurtful.  

Today, students have a different kind of mnemonic device. Children are taught the acronym STAMP as easy way to help them remember how to avoid these kinds of aggressive behaviors:

 • Stay away from trouble.

 • Tell someone.

 • Avoid bad situations.

 • Make friends.

 • Project confidence.

While this technique employs an approach that depends on avoidance, there are many others that focus on kindness. The best strategy for stopping bullying is early proactive intervention. That doesn't mean, however, that we label kids "victims" and "bullies" at an early age. Rather, adults can and raise resilient children who don't bully by using positive reinforcement strategies as early as preschool. Here are a few:

 • Help children develop appreciation for differences in others. Encourage children to look at the positive qualities in others, not dwell on the differences.

 • Use positive discipline. Praise and reward children when they demonstrate positive social skills. This helps them understand what words and actions are appropriate.

 • Teach youth how to control anger, and model the same strategies as consistently as possible. Students learn how to handle anger and disappointment from the adults in their lives. When witnessing a child get angry and lash out, it's important for the adult to remain calm. Then, take the opportunity to talk about what made him angry and set boundaries for the appropriate expression of anger. Speak to the child in a calm manner with full eye contact. Encourage the child to walk away, count to ten or take deep breaths to calm down. If needed, ask that the child go to another room or area alone to give him time to process those feelings.

 • Acknowledge your own mistakes. Adults have bad days too and sometimes have trouble handling anger and frustration. If you lose your cool and react in a negative way, acknowledge it and use it as a example. Explain to the child that you didn't handle the situation very well and apologize. Children learn by watching the adults in their lives.

Additional resources are available for adults seeking to implement proactive intervention. Eddy and Foster County NDSU Extension Agent Donna Anderson explains, "Two programs offered by Extension are very successfully are the Character Counts and Take a Stand. Both programs include a variety of hands on learning and skill building activities."

Character Counts emphasizes the six pillars of good character: Trustworthiness, Respect, Responsibility, Caring, Citizenship and Fairness.

Take A Stand is a 10-week session that teaches conflict resolution, bullying prevention, communication, empathy, respect, manners, teamwork, consensus, cultures and harmony.

Love and Logic is another resource offered through NDSU Extension in our area. This is 6-week parenting course that teaches parents how to help children to take responsibility for solving their own problems. Love and Logic is a philosophy founded in 1977 by Dr. Jim Fay and Dr. Foster W. Cline. The Love and Logic Institute offers practical tools and techniques to help adults achieve respectful, healthy relationships with their children.

For more information about the above programs, contact the NDSU Extension Eddy County Office at (701) 947-2454. Anderson says that these programs give children and parents tools to help them address bullying and develop alternatives to striking out. She also spoke of a book that she uses in the Love and Logic classes and recommends highly, Words Will Never Hurt Me: Helping Kids Handle Teasing, Bullying and Putdowns by Sally Northway Odgen. In this book, Odgen presents practical, memorable and fun methods to empower children to handle bullies. The tools presented allow children to feel relaxed and in control in situations that used to make them feel stressed and inadequate.

Fay writes on http://www.loveandlogic.com, "One of the most effective strategies for diminishing bullying involves helping youth perceive bullying as a weakness and cry for help...This culture focuses on empathy, not sarcasm, belittling, or judgment. In addition to disrupting the bullying behavior, this intervention also helps victims avoid taking the behavior personally. This goes a long way toward reducing its negative psychological impacts."

This technique is particularly effective when a child is a victim of bullying. Teach the child to use self-talk to rationalize that the bully is acting that way because he or she is hurting and needs help.  In addition, encourage the child to "look below the tip of the iceberg" by recognizing that the bully is likely reacting to underlying factors. Such factors might include painful life circumstances, past trauma, impaired social skills, fear of being bullied, or deep-seated attachment issues, resulting in lack of empathy or remorse. By no longer seeing the "bully" as someone who has power, but someone more like us, we can begin to see the "bully" as someone in need of compassion.

Also a proponent of offering compassion to those who bully, NoBullying.com is an online forum aimed at educating, advising, counseling and helping to stop bullying. They explain on the website that anti-bullying programs in schools now focus on showing compassion to the bully as well as the victim. The idea is that by offering kindness and compassion, we can make a positive difference in a bully's life to the point where they can reverse their past behavior, and instead, help others who may be going through the same type of situation they were forced to endure.

In conclusion, NoBullying.com states, "A bully who receives compassion, kindness and positive moral support can begin to break the cycle of abuse and begin to perpetuate a healing process that goes far beyond their life as a student. By showing them that people care, it may offer them the incentive to move forward and remove themselves from the hostile environment in which they were raised." Additional information can be found at Nobullying.com.