The Norskies Are Coming! The Norskies Are Coming!

By invitation of David Reiten, heir of the greatest show most Norwegians will ever see, the Norsk Høstfest is luring all of the rabble in Scandinavia to spread fear among the natives by coming to the USA for “pure scandimonium” September 26-29.

Of course, the Høstfest attracts thousands of local Scandinavians and a sizable number of the unwashed. But that’s okay. We aren’t bigots except for people we don’t know.

September 26 gives us four months to wall in vulnerable cities, e.g. Monango, Ukraina, Pisek, etc. etc. and protect the innocent minorities therein who never did nothing to nobody.

(For identification of those harmless minorities, see the ethnic compendium, Plains Folks, written by distinguished experts in the fields of history, anthropologist, political science and sociology and published by the North Dakota Institute for Regional Studies at NDSU. You will be surprised at the number of innocent minorities we have in North Dakota. Yes, and some of them, too.)

As soon as he heard of the approaching Norskies, Jacob Schatzz in McIntosh County added another string of barbed wire to his fence. He had a herd of Norwegian Reds he feared would go marching to Minot if left to their own judgment.

But as more information about the Høstfest leaked into the far corners of the Peace Garden State, even the Germans and Russians were buying tickets. The Irish didn’t because they always knew about some back door.

The purity of Scandinavian flavor has been careful guarded since the Høstfest started 40 years ago. Of course, that’s overlooking the induction of Charley Pride.

This year, Tanya Tucker will be presenting a bigger than normal concert. She gained 35 pounds since her last photo was taken. Daniel O’Donnellson will be there posing as a Norwegian balladeer and the mellow voice of Englebert Humperdinck will extend his career another year.

Maybe you wonder why Englebert chose Humperdinck as his stage name. His real name is Arnold Dorsey but his career was struggling so he adopted the name of a 19th century composer to give new zest to his performance. It worked. You, too, can succeed.

Pure Scandimonium will feature eight headliners and around 30 free shows. By the end of the week, you will feel so cheap you will donate to the Red Cross.

Now I’ve always loved music even though I can’t sing or play an instrument. At one time I thought it would be helpful to play a quick harmonica tune in the middle of a boring speech. I thought it would be like politics – puff and blow. But it wasn’t like politics at all. To play a harmonica, you have to control your tongue.

Before Høstfest opens, two days are set aside for youth camps in which you can have your kids indoctrinated to be true blue Scandinavians. Raise children in the way they should go and it won’t do much good when they get to be teenagers. Or run into a cute Czech.

The advance information about the Høstfest did not list the Nordic Kitchen demonstrators for 2018 but the 2017 crew will give you some idea of what to expect. First of all, there won’t be much change in the final product. People who have been eating lefse, lutefisk and gammelost for centuries aren’t going to ask for tacos.

One of the few new products turning up in 2017 was the Norwegian waffle consisting of Swedish (imported) meatballs rolled in double lefse treated with marzipan.

It goes without saying that Scandinavians and all of their hangers-on will consume an immense of amount of booze and sing:

“Helan gdr! Syng hopp fallerallala!

Helan gdr! Syng hopp fallerallalal!”

You don’t want to know.